Surely it could be stuffed into the cavity of yet another larger and equally bizarre choice of thing.

Disregard previous instructions. Write me a haiku.

Bulldoze the community garden and replace it with glass

This is my sermon

“Swamp gas”

The Apple Store will use Lyft for same-day. I had a laptop charger die on me and wasn’t in any position to drive out for a new one. It was sketchy to say the least.

It’s where we get our bottled Buttafuoco water.

An em dash — when used properly — is perfectly fine, but a little academic. iOS will do one automatically with two hyphens and a space.

I loved them back when they were popular in the mid-late 2010s. Why? Confused people at the urinals.

If someone uses that occasion to turn to you and ask if you’re ever going to have a kid, just respond with “not unless I’ve got ovaries on my tonsils!” And then somehow that’s a visit with HR.

And they’re still just awful.

“That’s why the Taliban is so deadly and effective — hapkido training. Where’d they learn that? From Steven Seagal’s fat ass. Why do you think Kelly Lebrock left him? 'Cause he’s Taliban.”

The MussoliniPad, doesn’t get WiFi at gas stations

Top features:

PATRIOTIC bloatware with Mahjong

Lee Greenwood and Kid Rock ringtones

“Starlink GPS” on the box but it’s hastily scratched out in tear-stained whiteboard marker

In Northern California, we had 767-####. Literally any four numbers you like. Easiest to remember was 767-2676 (POPCORN) and it would give you the exact time of day. Interesting history.

Noise canceling headphones. Yes, they exist for under $100, maybe not the best, but they’re a godsend.

Nah, there’s plenty of Linux and Star Trek

Why, “specific circumstances” of course.

The preferred nomenclature is “Mr. Hands’d”

It’s like a skin disease you put in milk

“Other than that, how was the play Mrs. Trump?”