How do you get other people to speak with you? Usually I never know what to say in response.
Being a chatterbox hasn’t worked out too well throughout my life. Even in my second language, German, it’s evident im sort of a “parrot” when it comes to learned social phrases.
Socially exhausted right now and feeling like an alien.
Ask questions, then just listen to the answers. Nod and add the occasional ‘go on.’
People will usually let you know what excites/interest them. If someone is wearing a football jersey ask them what the best game they ever saw was.
People don’t expect you to entertain them, they just want to know that you are interested in them
Usually when I try this strategy, I might fall flat on my face by not knowing anything at all what I just asked about. Should one thing of every small talk excursion as an onion?
What I mean by an onion is to be able to organize the depth of the conversation by extent of discussion. To transform the comment into a dialogue is most desirable. Small talk is the goal here, just not the robotic:
“I like your Kansas City Chiefs Jersey!”
“Oh thanks, did you see how Frank Footballer did that pass against the Steelers?”
“Not really, but my grandmother always had the TV on and loved the Super Bowl!”
“Cool, buddy!”
After this, it’s like a game over screen is flashed before my eyes. Not to be dramatic, but this situation happens in many domains of conversation for me.
Do you have any extended advice for this?
“You, know, I hear people talk about that a lot, but honestly, I have no idea what it actually is. Can you give me some pointers?”
Now they are your mentor.
That sounds simple enough for me to remember! Focusing on being a better listener is what I should be working on.
But what if there are no immediate things to talk about? What if the conversation falls flat? Do you have a 3 strikes rule before you walk away from the interaction?
Maybe I’m getting too much in my head about things. Thanks for the reassurance 😊 This community always makes me feel more secure with some of my inner concerns about socializing and my perception in the eyes of others.
“Comfortable silence” is a thing.
And walking away is always an option. “I’m gonna see who else is here,” or “I’m going to get a drink/some fresh air” or “good talk.” are acceptable ways of ending a chat
Agreed, however I recommended against “good talk”, personally.
No one has ever said that to me after having what might actually be considered a “good” talk. I find it’s usually only said by someone who has tried to start a conversation and I have failed to effectively reciprocate.
Whatever works.
@y0kai @Dagwood222 Seconded on that one, it’s definitely more used with a negative/sarcastic connotation
If someone doesn’t want to talk, that is ok. However, people are more likely to talk if they feel listened to.
It might help to have some examples. Are you a student talking to other students? An office worker talking to colleagues? An attempt to converse with (say) a busy clerk at a store is less likely to go well than a casual chat with someone who is also waiting in line.
And sometimes there’s genuinely nothing to talk about, and recognizing that is a useful skill.
I also have this worry constantly, but i’ve learned that there are different sorts of silences. just because it’s silent doesn’t mean it’s awkward. most people don’t care if you mess up in casual conversation.