There’s a saying in the caregiving community, those of us keeping loved ones with dementia and various disabilities afloat, alive and (hopefully) thriving.

Don’t set yourself on fire to keep your loved one warm.

Meaning, if you don’t take care of yourself, you cannot help others. You could set yourself on fire, but the flames go out quickly, and then you’re a crispy, crunchy mess—and both of you are far worse off than when you started.

Put your own oxygen mask on first, before trying to help others.

And… sometimes that means saying “no.” Which is hard, but necessary.

I spent a lot of time thinking about what’s good for my wife, what’s good for my son, what’s good for my co-workers, that after years it led me into a twisted place where the ‘solution’ was what would be good for them would be for me to be out of the equation because I was just a burden on everyone. And that nearly became the death of me.

I’m still like that sometimes. But you’ve got to stand up to yourself say ‘no, this is time for me’ and do whatever that is - it could just be reading or going for a walk, half an hour gaming or whatever floats your boat. But something that is definitely for you and not for anyone else. Not all the time or that swings the other way. But it’s important and it’s not stated enough how much we need time to ourselves to stay healthy.

Our son stays up late and I’ll listen to him reading me stories until 11 sometimes, but even if it means missing out on a bit of sleep I’ll make sure to read something to myself after!

Rule #2 from Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life:

Treat yourself as someone you are responsible for helping

The basic idea is that if you’re high in agreeableness, ie you strongly exhibit the “mothering” instinct of taking care of others, then one of the most effective ways to take care of yourself is to pretend that you, yourself, are one of those other people.

Also, my own recommendation is to do a lot of therapy and spiritual work. Uncover and resolve any childhood trauma you absorbed around “being selfish”.

Kids are naturally selfish. When parents don’t know how to make good boundaries, they tend to silently stew then explode at the kid, giving the kid a basic equation forged into their subconscious that goes like:

“If I focus on my needs it hurts Mommy and she stops loving me”

There’s a great book on this topic called Home Coming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child

Doing the exercises in that book helped me transform — over the course of about 5 minutes of ugly crying — into someone who has a much easier time serving myself in balance with serving others.

I agree with what the other posters have said, especially about the fact that it seems you may be depressed, and also I see the same patterns I displayed when I was depressed and didn’t want to deal with it. “I know I need to get help but first I’ll take care of my spouse’s problem, and also my son needs to get through his thing, and also a friend has seemed down so I should check on them. I’ll look into therapy someday but right now I’m too busy.” It made it impossible for me to deal with my own issues and also not my fault, but really that was kind of a lie I told myself in hindsight.

When I stopped putting it off and started journaling about what it is that makes me feel bad pre-therapy, I found that it was well past time I start taking care of myself. Once I did, I was so much stronger. Post-therapy and healthy methods of dealing with anxiety and depressive thoughts me is still able to be there for my friends and family but also able to be there for myself.

I really think the first step is sitting down with your thoughts about yourself and your life, making sense of what is going on, and coming up with a plan for how to move forward.

I’m sorry to say this but, you must always put yourself first. You are responsible for everything that is happening to you. You have so much time for others but can’t have time for yourself?

Do the things that make you happy, revisit some old hobbies, try working out, going outside for a run and gardening! Immersing yourself with nature really helps inside out.

I’m not a doctor, but it sounds like you’re suffering from depression. You should see a mental health professional. They’ll likely be able to help.

Source: I have exactly the same problem

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