So, I’ve been a weirdo for, like, almost all schools I’ve been on, and I wanna try to fit with my new class this year. Anyone’s got hints on how to fit with Neurotypicals and how to avoid being seen as the “autistic weirdo”?
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It will always be hard and mentally tasking, but I have something that did work for me (aside from proper professional help in the form of meds, therapy and hard work)
I listen to the “Mark narrations” podcast/yt channel, which is a reddit reading channel (mostly AITA and relationshipadvice) Basically hundreds of hours of socially awkward/complicated/ambiguous situations with a mostly representative(of reddit people, not every society ofc) comments dissecting the situation and giving advice or opinions on its moral and social aspects.
I basically listen to it to pass the time (driving, washing dishes, etc) and as the story is narrated I dissect it and form my own opinion on it. When the story is done and the comments are narrated I compare my own views to the ones from the comments and from Mark and anytime my understanding or views differ from the comments I go over why and how and learn from it (honestly it can sometimes be that the lesson is “people are crazy and I’m the one who is right”)
I can 100% say that doing this has improved my social abilities like crazy, it took a lot of time but it was fun so I wouldn’t say that it took a lot of effort.
Basically my idea was that if I don’t naturally understand how and why people act the way they do, I can learn it logically just like any other topic.
While a lot of things have improved my social abilities and I do have high functioning AuDHD which makes it not as complicated as other might have it. I can say that after 1 year of doing it basically any time I needed something to keep my mind busy, it made a huge difference in how new people perceive me (used to be “weird”, “awkward”, “uncomfortable”, “rude”) and how well I handle social situations, and they are much less mentally draining.
I was just the quiet autistic weirdo. Never had any issues with it, but I do feel like I inadvertently to the point that I hollowed out who I was without realizing it. Of course I would have certainly been seeing as an outcast and gotten much more negative treatment had I not done that, but that’s mostly separate from being autistic.🤷♀️
First of all, if a friend makes you feel bad about yourself for being yourself, they’re not a friend. If a friend expects a one-sided relationship (you always pick up the check, you always host, you’re always are the one making time), they’re not a friend. If a friend is always taking potshots at you and then tells you to lighten up when you tell them you’re uncomfortable, they’re not a friend.
I was a pariah in high school so I can’t give a lot of info there, but cool adults will understand and give you some breathing room if you say you’re autistic. So if you stim or get hung up on something a neurotypical thinks isn’t a big deal, decent people will give you the benefit of the doubt. Uncool people do not deserve friendship. Better to be a mysterious weirdo than some narcissist’s new plaything.
That’s the neat part: you don’t!
Jokes aside a good goup of NTs will tolerate you as long as you’re not doing anything harmful, and you just enable bad ones by “fitting in”.
That’s not really the case when the NTs are teenagers.
Not diagnosed autistic just super nerdy person here so take this story for what it’s worth:
I changed schools a lot when I was a kid and had wildly different experiences depending on the school. Mostly varying between bad and very bad. As a kid all the other kids hated me and I never could understand why. I still can’t understand — I don’t know at all what was different about me that everyone could tell right away they needed to insult me — but whatever it was they sure saw it.
In 8th grade for the first time something clicked and I fit in and had friends instead of being the outcast. But I think the change was much more in the people I was going to school with (magnet program for nerds) than in myself.
After having the experience of having friends, fitting in, and being relaxed in a group for a year without worrying they will attack me, I learned how to be a social person and I can (roughly) fit in and be comfortable with most groups since then. People didn’t attack me anymore after that and still don’t, which is quite wonderful for me.
How to get that experience for yourself on purpose? I think it would be really hard.
My best advice is to find some kind of club or group or sport or something, where a group of people are all there because they’re passionate about the thing, and that group really cares about outreach and teaching and spreading that passion. It helps if you already have a passion for the thing of course but it isn’t required.
Find a group of people who are actively looking for new friends and care more about whatever the topic is than about whether you are socially adept, and let them accept you/work together as you all work a shared passion and become friends through that shared group activity. Whether it’s gardening or weightlifting the topic doesn’t matter — what matters is the people are friendly and enthusiastic about spreading their joy for this topic (and you don’t hate it).
For me it was computers and cross-country running team. For my friend it really was weightlifting which believe it or not has enthusiastic nerd outreach groups.
If you get lucky, such a group will teach you how to fit in with them which is transferable knowledge.
Finding a welcoming group or club like that is hard. Keep your eyes open and look actively for it.
Good luck to you and best wishes for success. It’s a hard world.
My problem was (and is) communication.
I got a job in IT helpdesk and got much better at communicating (for example, I don’t have any (social) anxiety calling up a company).
But it took me quite some pain and time to get it going.
How so?
Well, teenagers suck, to start the story. Either you’re on one of their groups, either the whole classroom mocks you and makes you feel so shit you literaly cry every morning and beg on your knees to be allowed to skip a class day.
That sounds awful
All I can say is don’t beat yourself up over it. It isn’t your fault.
Or alternate take. Find the other weirdos.
Last school I were on had no weirdos.
I was taught the ‘tennis match’ method of conversations, each thing you say is hitting the ball across the net to the other person in the convo, the best quality conversation is going to be one where each person is serving back and forth evenly, and not one person saying everything
Neurotypicals are pretty decent with active listening, so they’ll indicate by saying short filler phrases or like nodding their head if they’re down to just let you talk
So, keep a low profile?
Keeping a low profile by learning how to make the NT’s comfy around you is a hard to learn but worthwhile skill.
You’ll find that NT people view you as chill but quiet if you just listen along and occasionally show that you’re retaining some information, especially if you remember what people are into and ask them simple open questions about it.
Another part is what others here have said; aim to do the casual conversation with the types of people who enjoy it, but don’t feel bad or cut out someone altogether if theyre having a day when they’re not feeling talkative (everyone’s trying to work out how to be a human when they’re a teenager, NT’s are just better at hiding that they don’t know :D )
Also some people will try to goad a reaction out of you. At what point never underestimate the power of asking “What do you mean by that?” To someone over and over
I hate that this might come off as promoting masking, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do…This is what I do in social situations I feel the need to get through as an adult:
Make friends with the loudest, most talkative person. Someone who does not care what you have to say, at all, and will gladly just yap all the time. That way when you are in group convos, they can carry the both of you - you are not expected to contribute to the conversation and you can just kind of zone out if you need to. Smile, nod, mirror others facial expressions and energy.
Not sure if it works long term but I feel like I got through a few years at a work place where we were expected to have lunch together daily like this.
Please note I’m not saying to never speak or be yourself. You can just apply this technique to stressful group situations where you might be overwhelmed and worry about being perceived. People tend to be more forgiving of ‘quirky’ behavior one on one if you appear to fit into a group.
Yea, I’m myself with my friend, but with others I need to do masking.
