You know the one. The dumb joke you chuckled at that now just comes out unbidden at random times.
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Who are you and how did you get in here?
I’m a locksmith and I’m a locksmith.
That reminded me of another one. Someone says to someone else “You’re stupid and ugly!”. Their response, “I am not ugly!”.
“Try not to suck any dicks on the way to the parking lot!”
In a row?
-“Anyway, your immunity Is due to the fact that you lack the delta brain wave. It’s a genetic abnormality which resulted when you went back in time And performed certain actions which made you your own grandfather.”
-“I did do the nasty in the past-y.”
Verily. And that past nastification is what shields you from the brains!
So I really am important? How I feel when I’m drunk is correct?
“Oh no, not again” from the paragraph:
"Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.
Where is this from. It sounds amazing.
Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. And yes, it is amazing.
As someone else replied, it’s from the first book in a 5 book trilogy where the first book shares a name with the series: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, or HHGTTG for short.
It is absolutely brilliant. The petunia paragraph is preceeded by this, for more go read/listen to the books.
It is important to note that suddenly, and against all probability, a sperm whale had been called into existence, several miles above the surface of an alien planet. But since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, this innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity. This is what it thought as it fell: ‘Ahhh! Whoa! What’s happening? Who am I? Why am I here? What’s my purpose in life? What do I mean by ‘who am I’? Okay, okay, calm down, calm down, get a grip now. Ooh, this is an interesting sensation. What is it? It’s a sort of a tingling in my… well, I suppose I better start finding names for things. Let’s call it a… tail! Yeah! Tail! And hey, what’s this roaring sound, whooshing past what I’m suddenly gonna call my head? Wind! Is that a good name? It’ll do. Yeah, this is really exciting! I’m dizzy with anticipation! Or is it the wind? There’s an awful lot of that now, isn’t it? And what’s this thing coming toward me very fast? So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like ‘Ow’, ‘Ownge’, ‘Round’, ‘Ground’! That’s it! Ground! Ha! I wonder if it’ll be friends with me? Hello Ground!’
Someone: mentions their sore throat
Me: “what? from sucking all the dick?”
Why can you never have more that one egg?
Cause one egg is Un œuf (enough)My favourite bilingual joke. It’s so silly, it’s so fantastic
I’ve heard a lot of people like the Musee d’Orsay, but I found the architecture to be a little garish.
Oo I like that one! Here’s one of my favs!
Two cats are going to try crossing a river. One is named “One Two Three Cat” and the other is named “Un Deux Trois Cat.”
Which kitty makes it across?
Answer:
One Two Three Cat. . .Because “Un Deux Trois Cat Sank!” :( XD
One I’ve heard around a few times is “What if Soy milk is just Spanish milk introducing itself?”
Whenever I am out and about I will eventually see someone doing something with a step-ladder. I walk up to them and say “Is that your step-ladder?”. They’ll look at me a little odd but answer yes. Then I ask them, “Did you ever know your real ladder?”. Then we usually both laugh/chuckle and I go about my day. Been doing it for years.
“Yes it’s true, this man had no dick”
“big gulps, huh? Well, see you later!”
“Why you know that cow is highly accomplished? Yeah they are outstanding in their field.”
The safari guides from George of the Jungle spending the entire trip trolling the white guy. Including the cherry on top, this scene.
“Excuse me ladies. I know you’re feeling pretty hey sailor up here about now. But if you let me order a bowl of fried clams, we can all have smallpox tomorrow morning.”
No ticket
Appa from Kim’s Convenience saying ‘No, you!’ to everything.
‘You’re deflecting.’
‘No! You are deflecting!’
- Today we’re gonna teach poodles how to fly.
- Nothing says I love you like the gift of a spatula.
- You found the marble in the oatmeal! You win a drink from the firehose!
Spatula city! I swear I watch that bit at least every couple of years.
My local indie theatre played UHF a while back and holy God, watching that with a hundred other people howling and cheering was a magical experience.
Oh, I would love seeing it in theater again! I bet that was something awesome.
Absolutely was. I’m super spoiled, that theatre does all sorts of awesome movies and events like that. And it’s about exactly a one joint walk away…
“But the water’s clean”.
Many years ago when a friend and I stopped at a rest stop and the sinks looked dirty. I said, “It’s not very clean”, they said that. Now for some reason it still pops into my head any time I wash my hands in a public restroom. Whyyyyyyyyyy.
