Libertarian police

I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.

“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”

“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”

“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”

The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”

“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”

“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”

He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”

I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.

“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.

“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.

“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”

It didn’t seem like they did.

“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”

Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.

I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.

“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.

Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.

“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.

I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”

He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.

“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”

“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.

“Because I was afraid.”

“Afraid?”

“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”

I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.

“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”

He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me.

I’m fairly certain it’s too “flood the zone with bullshit”, straight out of the Steve Bannon playbook. It’s so ridiculous that this is what we’re wasting our time on. Instead of discussing all the other real insane things.

I think you misunderstood what “the dumbest person in the room means”. It doesn’t mean to be literally dumb, it means to pretend to not know anything and boil down the conflict to facts instead of perception of what the other party wants. It takes fucking skill and experience to steer the conversation in a constructive way and to keep two opposing parties in check, steering the conversation away from conflict to understanding each others viewpoint.

I made the mistake of scrolling through her posts. It’s, 5 in the morning and already I’m done with humans. What is even happening??

That’s what I don’t get. Like, why can’t we just all get on with our lives, help those you have it worse than us, and work together on a better future for our children?

But no, there’s a bunch of narcissistic assholes amassing wealth and convincing the other wannabe narcissists that everyone is out to get them.

I have a small kid and have no clue how to explain to him what the fuck was going on in right now when he’s old enough to ask. I just don’t get it. It makes me sad, and helpless, and anxious, and I just don’t want to have anything to do with the rest of society. And I don’t even live in the USA but am solid upper middle class in Scandinavia.

🏴‍☠️

They just want to make sure you’re fully aware of your death before you get to perish 😊

Yes, and it’s pretty common sense that diversity of background leads to diversity of opinion leads to, in the right culture, more diverse and creative problem solving. But tell that to any of the dumb fucks in power of the USA.

Just yesterday I had shadow.tech’s Cloudflare “vErIFY yOuR hUmAN” fail on me in Firefox. I had fucking paid for a month already otherwise that would have been enough to turn me off.

Yeah, to balance I sometimes check /r/conservative these days. They’re obviously full blown MAGA but boy are they not regretting a thing.

And if you look at approval ratings he’s doing pretty fucking well

By the numbers: 53% of Americans approve of Trump so far, according to a newly released CBS News/YouGov poll conducted Feb. 5 to 7, while 47% disapproved.

https://www.axios.com/2025/02/09/trump-approval-ratings-poll

I get this request sometimes on my work machine. Guess what? I don’t even have the rights to install it. Insanity

I wish the Scandinavian trains weren’t so sought after. Or rather I wish they’d have more capacity, it’s great that people want to use them!

Maybe op really likes to carry spare batteries instead of, you know, a power pack?

It’s literally only better if you have skill and, imo, time. You can’t make a good tomato sauce in like 10min from scratch, fight me

No. I’m not buying that anymore. People know goddamn well that their actions hurt others. They just choose to ignore it, be it due to their greed, fear, insecurities, or whatever. But all those fuckers voting for extreme right wing policies are not stupid. Some might be gullible and buy into whatever bullshit claims that feed their fear. But they still look at others and their suffering, and decide to say “fuck you, I deserve what I believe is mine”. That’s not being stupid, that’s being a fucking cancer to society.

Yup! What’s extra “funny” is that the federal government will probably foot the bill and thus these dirty immigrants will cost the regular Joe exorbitantly more - both in lost contribution to the economy and taxes but also in fees for being detained - than they would have if they would leave them the fuck alone. It better yet give them a realistic path to citizenship.

Right wingers are either fucking dumb as shit or 100% morally depraved. It makes my blood boil to the point that I cannot follow the news. And I ain’t even living in the US. Just pisses me off to no end still how absolutely heartless and fucked people can be.

That’s what peak efficiency looks like haters.

The price ain’t the wtf part

Responsibilities take all the fun out of getting fucked up.

Made me stop bringing it. I wear my keys on a Climbing Carabiner and if it sits right it is perfect. But fuck off if it doesn’t, it’s pure anger in metal usb stick form.