When i first heard the news, it felt surreal. But when that passed, i felt nothing.
I don’t really know what to do or feel. I saw her only a few days ago, and that was the first time i have saw her in years. She barely talked, she had alzheimers. She didn’t remember anyone. I remember as a child, seeing her handicapped but still able to have conversation and conscious.
I only have a few memories of her. It’s so vague, since those were when i was 6 or something. The only clear memory is of her yelling at me as a child. Or maybe not her, my memory is unreliable.
Half an hour later, it sunk in. She’s dead. I will never see her again. Just… I don’t know. I’m so confused. I’m a little teary eyed but the rest is just static. What of it? What do i expect to gain from this post? I don’t know. I just wanted to tell someone. I just feel like shit.
I am so sorry for your loss. I’ve lost a few people in my time, and it hits different every time.
When my mom went I didn’t even cry (and hated myself for it for a while), it felt inevitable but also kind of a shock - like someone who gets shot but keeps running because they haven’t felt it yet. It hit me a month later like a ton of bricks. My dad was different, I was the one who had to make the call to take him off of life support, but I know it’s what he wanted, so I kind of got the initial stages of grief ahead of time. Then a few years later I lost my best friend of more than 25 years who I had roomed with for like 15, and it just fucking wiped me out then and there. I heard him fall and by the time I got out of bed and got to him all that was left was the sound of his last breath escaping. But worse still, I then had to call his mother. The sound that woman made when I told her that her last living child was dead (his brother had killed himself a few years prior) just tore it out of me. We sat on my front porch smoking and crying our damned eyes out until the sun came up.
You’re going to feel like shit for a while. That’s just love. That will never go away and you don’t want it to, but it will get easier to carry. If you need someone to talk to please do not hesitate to DM me.
Thank you, that’s what i’m afraid of too. And i’m sorry for your everything that happened to you. It’s a constant in life, and an ugly one at that.
Thanks.
I’m doing alright though. It’s a weight I will always carry, but I’m pretty comfortable with it at this point. I hope things go better for you.