The worst afc north team also swept the nfc west.

Observant

One of those NFCS teams will host a playoff game.

Today’s tale, an AFC North tale:

It was 2008.

Following a breakout year with the Illini, rookie Rashard Mendenhall (5’10", 230) is drafted 26th overall by the Pittsburgh Steelers – a much needed prong for Mike Tomlin’s new-found Steelers and their rushing attack. They’d gone from 8-8 the year before Tomlin arrived, to 10-6, and were looking to establish themselves as a returned AFC powerhouse - a feat they achieved, in the years that followed.

But this, this was 2008, and Rashard was not drafted in the early picks, but rather the picks of a 10-6 team that had just lost a wildcard and could afford to draft a power RB2 that ran with violence and swagger.

Except, there was a problem.

In the very next round, a fated Steelers rival (the Baltimore Ravens, led by John Harbaugh) elected to draft another rookie RB, by the name of Ray Rice… Directly after drafting a first round quarterback, named Joe Flacco.

This newfound Baltimore offense would catalyze what would soon follow. After an … educational 1-3 pre-season, the Baltimore Ravens would go on to start their season 2-0 (with a week 2 bye), posting strong wins against the Bengals and Browns… with a week 4 matchup coming against the remaining member of their division, Mendenhall’s 2-1 Steelers.

They were coming off an ugly loss to the Eagles, but that wasn’t the problem.

You see, Ray Rice and Rashard Mendenhall maintained a college friendship even as they went on to run for rival teams. Mendenhall was the hopelessly competitive sort - a trash talker that really couldn’t help himself sometimes, you see. Rice was no different.

So, it’s only natural that when Ray Rice’s phone lit up one day, and he saw some braggadocio from Mendenhall sitting there in his text messages: promises to run all over the Raven’s vaunted defense; that Rice would do the sane thing and laugh it off as a joke.

… With his team mates.

Yes, you read that right. Rashard Mendenhall had given the Ravens some bulletin board material. For context, the 2008 Ravens were captained by perennial first team All-Pros Ed Reed and a gentleman by the name of Raymond Anthony Lewis Jr. (6’1, 240), aka… Ray fucking Lewis.

… on prime time.

Yes. Rashard Mendenhall made these promises about a Monday Night game, no less!

And the cherry on top?

This was his first start of the year.

And what a start it was. After forcing a quick 3-and-out on the first drive of the game, the Steelers found themselves primed to start their first drive by calling Mendenhall’s number.

Rashard’s very first run of the game with 13:25 left in the first quarter was stuffed for no gain, a co-tackle by Haloti Ngata and Terrell Suggs.

His next came three plays later, truly decent run - he pooped off 8. And then again, for 12. It seems Mendenhall may be making good on his promises after all!

Not to be outdone, Santonio Holmes and Antwan Barnes would go on to slap the shit out of each other between these runs. Offsetting personal fouls. It’s prime time, after all. Are you not entertained? The time is now 9:42 remaining in the first.

Mendenhall would amass 5 more yards that quarter, over three more runs. And over the next quarter, he would find himself collecting … 2 whole yards, over 2 attempts.

Rashard would go to the locker room at half time with zero touchdowns, zero catches, and 27 yards over 8 attempts. And in his pocket, would remain that enormous (metaphorical) check he wrote: that promise to run roughshod remained unfulfilled.

Mke Tomlin, future HOF coach that he is, was not one for nonsense or “yips” and lost no faith in his running back despite the lack of production.

He probably should have.

As Mendenhall would take the field for the first time that half, on the very first drive following kickoff, he found himself walking alongside Ray Lewis – and Ray Lewis wasn’t happy.

“You know we’re coming for you, right?” asked Lewis, at this time 34 years old.

Mendenhall, unfazed, laughed it off. “What are you gonna do?” he asked. That was the wrong answer, but at least he didn’t say what he was thinking: “you old as hell man.” At least Rashard had the sense enough not to say that.

Ray Lewis minced no words. “I’m gonna knock you the fuck out.”

Mendenhall’s name was dialed up that very first play. The snap comes. Ben Roethlisberger turns, slipping the ball into Rashard’s hands. Rashard sees it: the hole.

And standing in it, is Ray Lewis.

Rashard’s feet send him hurtling through his gap. He levels his pads, intending to piledrive Ray Lewis backwards and show the league that he had arrived.

#Crash

Three yards. Three entire yards. Thirty yards on the day, in nine carries. In a heap on the ground, 3 yards after the line of scrimmage, Rashard Mendenhall lay there staring at the sky. And over him, loomed a boasting Ray Lewis.

Ray Lewis had just shattered nearly a quarter of his body, in one hit. That’s not entirely prosaic, either: Ray Lewis straight up demolished that man’s shoulder in a single tackle.

He was never the same.

Just six years later, at the tender age of 26, Rashard Mendenhall would hang up his cleats, and finally retire from the national football league. Ray Rice “retired” that same year, plagued by well-documented legal troubles and unable to ever find another team. Thus ended a quiet tale of two AFC North running backs, joined forever by one fateful text message.

Edit - Typos. Thanks for reading.

We need relegation so badly.

Imagine choosing to play NFL on hard mode.

NFC South gonna send the first 7-10 division winner to the playoffs.

2023 NFC SOUTH CHAMPS, BABY!

Look man, Tampa has to deal with playing the in the AL East and losing a division with 99 wins. We’re entitled to a shit football division.

Plus that whole having Brees, Ryan, and Newton for all those years

Same vibes as the AL Central vs AL East team records.

In another universe where teams actually play in the division that makes sense the Cowboys would play in the NFC south (switching with the Carolina Panthers)

On the contrary, the worst AFC North team might have a better record than the best AFC North team.

That’s just some bad luck. We’re all awesome. You’ll realize your mistake when Taylor heinicke wins super bowl MVP.

You can just say the Steelers, it’s okay.

(Am Steelers fan, please don’t hurt)