I have a feeling that I don’t know what to do with. Could use input of others, but not really sure what I’m looking for other than an ear. Appreciation in advance to anyone able to comment. I no longer have anyone IRL that I can go to (my fault), hence coming to internet.
I’ve been feeling defeated for months now with no reprieve. It’s gotten to a point where I think about doing something, and just don’t actually try, because I know the feeling of reward doesn’t visit anymore.
I’ve never been more isolated than I am now, and have nothing to blame but my own self-isolating behavior. But I’ve always had a hard time just connecting and feeling at ease with other people. I’m 24 now, and there is only one person I have ever fully trusted. I still do. But it’s a complicated relationship, and they’ve already done all they can for me.
They were the one who told me recently (in a kind way) that I’m the reason I’m in a position of desperate and persistent isolation, and I am the only one who can fix it. I recognize that they are right. And still, I have no will anymore. What’s the point of pushing myself to the car station & refueling just to keep driving nowhere?
I am less and less convinced of my capability to participate in basic aspects of life. What brings me peace and fulfillment is exchanging interests/experiences/ideas/etc with others, which I can’t do in isolation. I want to get married and have a kid, and that now seems practically delusional.
I used to have bursts of sociability/confidence that I leveraged, and often enough succeeded in using to meet people, socialize, etc. I’ve completely lost my optimism and my luck. I haven’t had those positive feelings for months, and most of the experiences I have had with individuals/groups during that time have been so demoralizing. It feels pointless to even try to connect anymore. Me being me seems to come off to others as obscene or obnoxious/annoying.
I want to talk to others, but I get a pit in my stomach when I think about it. Sick feeling that it will be just encounter that leaves me feeling dejected or blindsided. And I know I am objectively a poor friend, so I feel conflicted. Why subject people I like to the impossibility of really knowing me in any mutually fulfilling way?
No traumatic incidents in childhood. Shelter, nutrition, medical care all provided. I was always very sensitive, constantly cried, and never seemed to really outgrow it, but I have no legitimate reason to be or feel this way, just am. Gratitude doesn’t ease the agony at all.
Not even sure whether to ask for advice or not. I know what I need to do to solve my loneliness, and I just haven’t. There is some resistance somewhere, and the more I push and push the more I do nothing. I have the knowledge. I have the means. I have no excuses. Why don’t I just fix this already??? What is missing in me??
Please no pep talks or “tough love,” they don’t help me. Am getting psychiatric and psychological treatment. Feeling hopelessly stuck.
Edit: I am appreciative of all the responses, I don’t think I was expecting it. I will engage as much as possible, just might take a little time.
You must log in or register to comment.
I really feel like I could’ve written your whole post myself, word-for-word. The isolation (which I might presume seems to come from inside and everywhere else at once), a fundamental need for social fulfillment that’s practically in spite of yourself, nebulous senses of cyclical futility, remembering, wanting, knowing, seeing, and still not being able to reach, it feels like a unique struggle to be in.
You tell me if I’m projecting in between the lines, but damn. Not going for pep here, just an observation, but maybe it’s not so unique after all.
And friends don’t let friends call friends bad friends, friend. Everyone’s a bad friend, that doesn’t make you a bad friend. We need good friends more than they need us, anyway. I don’t really know what I’m saying anymore.
You described it both on the dot and poetically, no projections. Thank you. A lot of physical pain comes with the emotional for me as well, maybe you can attest to the same. I’m sorry you understand it so well : /
Re friends, I should prob clarify this person has never called me a bad friend, it’s an assessment I have of myself. That part was more about something they said in honesty, not malice. They were pointing out that tend to cut others off out of fear instead (this is documented behavior of mine, unfortunately) and need to stop giving so much energy to the past (this is also true) and see the good in myself. I just don’t think I quite described it properly, please pardon me for that.
Just realized you may have meant something about my assessment of myself with the friends part, if so ignore above and consider the spirit of the statement appreciated and implemented.
Just realized you may have meant …
You got it lol. I’m the same way there too, I kind of meant that I bet they didn’t say it, so neither should you (we). Screw the pardon, I’m glad you shared your mind! Heartbreak is real, and it doesn’t even have to be about romance.
Personally, I’ve always felt like I just feel differently. Like other people can separate themselves from something I can’t; I stay attached. And usually there comes a point where a part of me says “you’re too invested in this” and tries to cut-and-run. Somehow with all that I’m still a romantic and see so much more, yet struggle to see anything in myself.
I’m not sure whether I’d be more or less surprised if that’s still on point for you. The older I get, the more I realize we really do live in a society, and maybe that’s what keeps me going.
Why don’t I just fix this already??? What is missing in me??
There’s an old saying - we can luck into trouble, but it’s rare to luck out of it.
The comfort I take from it is that it is normal to have a long slow journey to recovery from misfortunes.
So I shouldn’t expect myself to have fast efficient answers to all of my challenges. At times, for me, accepting that has been my first step.
I call this my “Well, at least I tried” mantra. And I haven’t always tried, or tried my best when I did try. But sometimes I try, and sometimes that try has made things a little better.
I’ve learned that I’m more stubborn than clever or driven - but I have been able to make that work for me, in small ways that have compounded over time.
I don’t know if any of this can help you, but I hope you find what works for you.
Thank you for responding, this does help. Am also very stubborn, but can appreciate the value of patience and trying. At least philosophically and pragmatically. Just need to practice instead of giving up because I’m feeling some flavor of sad. It’s not like my emotions are always this overpowering or intense, but at some point I think I stopped trying to manage them and instead just isolated, so I wouldn’t feel so much shame about it or hurt other people. So step one is to try at something small and not overthink or overfeel it.
There is some resistance somewhere, and the more I push and push the more I do nothing.
I feel this on a primal level. I don’t have any answers, neither do my doctors. I suspect it has something to do with PDA in relation to multiple ND traits, but it’s not in the DSM or ICD, so… yeah. Nobody knows what the hell to do about it. I’ve had my fill of inapplicable advice over the years. People just don’t understand. I don’t think there’s even language for it. Like, imagine if there wasn’t a word for “lion,” or “leopard,” or “lynx.” All we had was “cat,” and all most people are familiar with are house cats.
“…there’s a cat in my yard. It’s very big. And loud. Lots of hair. It’s eating my dog, and covered in blood.”
At what point in that exchange does someone just stop listening, as you’ve gone past what “cat” means to them into what’s clearly exaggeration? This is how I feel talking about some of my internal barriers. But I can’t take a picture of the carnage and show someone. Because it’s all inside. So I get told to just try a little harder, over and over, as if I haven’t been fighting uphill this whole time.
It’s exhausting. And maddening. I don’t know what else to say except that I’m sorry to hear you’re going through the shit.
I’m sorry in return, especially that you can describe it so well. It’s hellish. The cat analogy is too appropriate for this. Exhausting, maddening, and infinitely miserable.
I’m sorry in return, especially that you can describe it so well. It’s hellish. The cat analogy is too appropriate for this. Exhausting, maddening, and infinitely miserable.
You’re not clear on why you’re posting this, or what you want out of people’s responses.
You’re not clear on why you think you’re a bad friend, or why you’d be a burden to others just by interacting with them.
You’re not clear on what you know you have to do, but just aren’t doing.
Just saying/writing/admitting to something is helpful, because it forces you to confront it (and will be brought up in therapy anyway, so might as well do the prep work now). Just saying outloud the answers might make you realized how silly they are, or how they’re all connected, or what your priorities really are.
I apologize if this goes against your request, but as I mentioned, you were clear with your expectations.
I can related to your gas station metaphor, I feel that constantly due to gestures broadly at the world.
You’re too young to give up on marriage and parenthood, raw data shows that’s not true, you’re not even running behind yet.
And making one last assumption, but being distant or isolating yourself doesn’t make you a bad friend, and asking for help doesn’t either, only always asking for help and never asking about them does.
Thank you, I’d say this is in line with what I probably need to hear. I wasn’t clear on a lot of it because I didn’t feel confident anything would happen with it. I was incorrect and also unprepared.
I’m not proud of the way I’ve acted to people who have been kind or helpful in the past, especially people I am or was really close to. Your assumption re: distance/isolation is indeed applicable, though I’d say it’s more how I went about doing it that still stings.
Similar re: marriage and parenthood, it’s not about age, more that I’m not sure I’ll ever be well/stable enough to reasonably do or feel right with doing them, given how long I’ve done or felt problematic things to problematic degrees. It’s a worry I really only apply to me, my faith in other people succeeding themselves is unexpectedly high somehow/it’s not my place to decide for anyone else what is or isn’t “realistic”. I just don’t know if it’s realistic for me.
Re: metaphor/world, sigh, tell me about it
Feeling bad about how you’ve acted in the past is a good thing, it means you’ve grown since then. So even if you don’t recognize it, it means you’ve changed and improved as a person since then. This idea might be what your friend intended to expressive when they said to not focus on the past as much.
People can only change if they want to, and it sounds like you want to, so you shouldn’t give up hope on becoming the kind of person you feel you’d have to be to get marriage and have a family. The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago, the second best time is today. You seem to be taking those steps to improve yourself, and in a few years you’ll reflect back on how you are now and see how much you changed. Growth is hard to measure on a day to day basis. Keep up the good work you’ve obviously (to an outsider) been doing to improve.
Maybe it’s a physical illness? I have a recurring chronic inflammation in the gut that makes me mildly depressed and self-isolating. My bursts of optimism are bouts of health when I haven’t eaten what I’m sensitive to, so the gut is strong enough to kill the microbes that don’t belong there. Elimination diet would have been easy to try but nobody told me. Now I have the first competent doctor in my life.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.phrs.2024.107322
“Inflamed” depression: A review of the interactions between depression and inflammation and current anti-inflammatory strategies for depressionHi, thank you for this, I appreciate/enjoy nutrition, fitness, etc. No GI illnesses, but have heard about the connection between brain and GI tract, e.g., serotonin production. Have attempted elimination before for my migraines, not sure how aggressive your elimination was for your condition but the elimination criteria for potential migraine triggers is very aggressive so I’ve only successfully tested a couple foods/groups. No effect on mood/pain that I noticed from just those ones, but still have more to try when I’m able. Generally feel at my best when I’m eating what’s in line with my health values/knowledge. Wishing you well with your new doctor, chronic illness is a solidly thumbs-down experience and a good physician can make it so much less so
You said you weren’t interested in tough love or pep talks so I’m using this as a call to action.
Most of us crave community and don’t know where to start. Beyond more fun options like trying to see if there are local gaming groups near you there are also mutual aid networks (one of my favorites is called Mutual Aid Disaster Relief). If you have a skill or interest to offer you will find more people in these kinds of groups to collaborate with. You might not find best friends right away but you will find neighbors.
Hi, thank you, I appreciate this. What kinds of skills or interests have you explored? I’ve entertained getting involved in some sort of advocacy, but my skills are more behind the scenes (like writing). I used to volunteer as a slush reader and have also considered returning to that again. Searching groups also added to agenda.
Was in a bit of an intense frame of mind when I wrote the post originally, most of the time I want to act positively/constructively but keep stopping myself. Hearing it from others pushes me more than I can push me in this arena it seems. (Second thanks)
Hey! Happy to help.
I have really enjoyed physical labor tasks (growing food, helping with inventory and collection/sorting, picking up trash or helping someone clean their house) and building things with my hands. Unfortunately writing isn’t in my wheelhouse but I’m positive there will be something you can enjoy doing while contributing to a cause that means something to you.
I try to remind myself that practice makes perfect and habits don’t start themselves. Also sounds like you need to give yourself some grace. Sometimes we are hardest on ourselves. (I have personal experience in this department)
“I have no legitimate reason to feel this way” is a trap I find myself in occasionally too. You have to recognize that there are many different battles people face. I also have a comfortable life on paper but struggle with motivation, organization, and purpose.
What purpose does it serve to constantly lay the blame on yourself for feeling bad? Why would you, who (ostensibly) wants to be happy, make yourself unhappy?
The reality is that everyone falls in a rut at some point. At 24, that likely stems from lots of inevitable life changes (moving, finishing school, etc). Your “plan” has always been made for you by others until now.
You say that you don’t see the point refueling if you ultimately don’t drive anywhere. I think this is a key point to recognize. Decide on a place to go, start small. “I’ll start drawing something once a week”, “I’ll go to the board game night at the game store”, “I’ll get the disks out of storage and go back to playing disk golf”.
I understand the feeling of imposing yourself on others. But you DO have value. Everyone does. Everyone won’t like every aspect of you, and that’s normal. But your ideas and actions matter to people even if they’re not always good at reciprocating.
Sorry if this sounds like terrible self-help bullshit. When I went through a similar phase, it took a lot of time and effort on my part to re-structure my routine and outlook to recognize that I deserve sympathy and love from others, and especially from myself. I examined my life and cut out some parts that weren’t making me happy. I reinforced the parts that did. I made peace with the parts others expected of me.
Thank you, I appreciate this. Far from BS.
Re: age, could see it being related to changes over the past several years. Nothing spectacular though, I had the opportunity to ease into a lot of adulthood. Now that I’m here though, I thought I’d have the motivation, means, and understanding to fix it all. Even reaching well back into childhood, I can’t recall a time when I wasn’t constantly on edge or sad/overwhelmed/the like. It was always considered sensitivity or just being a kid. Fast-forward and I’m still this way to a debilitating degree. I can’t pinpoint anything external and I think it frustrates me to have to look internally when it’s always been such as wreck in there.
Current goal is to walk around the block. After that to walk to store a few minutes away for groceries. (Agoraphobia is a menace). I set a deadline for the end of this month to keep in line with SMART standards (admittedly, not the first deadline I’ve set for it).
You’re right about imposing. At a certain point that’s just part of being a social being, I wouldn’t even call it imposing if it was anyone doing it but myself (I’ll sigh at that statement for you, I know it’s hypocritical). Maybe I thought shame would stop me from doing the wrong things, even though I’m well aware it’s been shown to not help. Second sigh.
Eventually you’ll internalize that everyone has their own thing going on and even if you are literally annoying someone, they probably don’t actually give much of a shit~
The things that got me walking more consistently were Pokemon GO, Pikmin Bloom, and Walkscape. It’s a lot easier to walk if you’re playing a game and the goal is to walk! See if those interest you.
