Lately, I have been thinking hard about a lot of things. It all started during the break in my college a month back where I barely interacted with people during that time. Like I have been thinking deeper and harder about myself than ever before and it’s like I am after making a series of emotional breakthroughs.

I think about my teenage years. During my teenage years I went to school and then the whole I would just make jokes. It was like, I only felt the need to make superficial relationships. Everything was superficial even my relationship with my family. I only felt bad about being socially isolated when I was 16 and I developed a crush. She rejected me and I was devastated. I wanted to be normal so much that I started rebelling like smoking, shoplifting alcohol, drugs. I still wanted to be normal but I didn’t realise who I even was.

I was so confused and I didn’t understand myself. Looking back now it was almost like I was a non person. There was no depth to me whereas in comparison now I understand the rich and vibrant personality that I have. I wanted to normal so much all I could think about was wanting to have friends, have a girlfriend or be more normal meanwhile I was wafting through my school. I didn’t study and I never applied to college because I didn’t care enough to apply. Over the next 5 years I got friends and a job. And it’s like only lately I’ve started to understand what kind of person I am. I am still trying to make sense of it all tbh.

I dunno why I posted this. It’s just that the thoughts are replaying in my head in and I just want to vent.

  • some_guy@lemmy.sdf.org
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    1 year ago

    Sounds like you’re on a deliberate journey to grow. I applaud it. Five years ago, I had a partner who told me that I had to love myself for our relationship to work. I had made it from hating myself in high school to liking myself. I reached the point where I love myself the next year. All of this has been due to hard work. You’ll get where you wanna be if you keep it up. A good therapist can help, if you think you wanna go that way.

    Best of luck!

    • Striker@lemmy.worldOP
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      1 year ago

      I never really hated myself I just didn’t know who I was. Can you generate self esteem and a sense of self worth when you have a poor sense of your identity? It’s hard to explain especially with my alexithyima. I am very out of tune with myself.

  • BigAssFan@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    Good luck in finding out who you really are. It may take you a lifetime, but this is all about your journey, together with yourself.