This isn’t a swashbuckling pirate, this is your Uncle Jim who worked a gig at some kid’s vaguely pirate-themed birthday party
There’s not a single arrg bone in this guy’s body. He’s more of a “how’re ya doin’ kids, it’s me, the pirrrrate” kind of guy, you know?
Like, this dude just does NOT have the energy nor the strength to fire a cannon. You really think HE’S gonna take on a kraken? Nah, dude’s never even seen a seagull
You know where this dude lives? Probably some town in Iowa, near a Cracker Barrel
It’s in his eyes. I can tell
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He’s just aging. I mean, his description is on the bag. Aged white cheddar. Poor guy.