Ah good. Got slightly tipsy last night. Now I can’t post somewhere because I demöbiated part of myself. That wasn’t just what I did here. I sent multiple emails to people last night. Texted my dad. Let them know how I feel.
I’m pissed off beyond measure.
My life partner is on Lemmy, falsely accusing me, and I had to publically apologize to him.
He assaulted me three times last night. I have to call him out. I have assaulted him many times, because I lose my shit with his bullshitting. He no longer has a computer. I made that decision before I got drunk, when he CHOSE to financially abuse me when I refused to order his drugs for him, lying through his teeth to me about how he can’t use Amazon because his laptop isn’t good enough WHILE FUCKING AMAZON WAS LOADED ON THE SCREEN!
I’m losing my fucking mind. I might become homeless again because this mother fucker. And his mom lied to me. And his dad plays dumb. My dad’s silence speaks more wisdom to me than he ever has. My mom died when I was nine thanks to AIDS. The cops don’t do anything. The neighbors hear all this shit, and they complain about how much weed he smokes. I don’t want to drink. I don’t want to smoke. I’m close to murdering him and killing myself.
BuT dOn’T dO aNyThInG bUt PrUnE yOuR sAfEsPaCe, MoDs
I live in Arizona. I have no emotional support. None. Horrifically abused by a monk pretended to be broken and takes no responsibility for anything. I have a hammer. He says his back is so bad now, he can’t go outside…which is why I had to pay for his bike he broke riding carelessly. Well, I’ll make him an honest man.
…no. This is just what I feel. Indignant. I have half the mind to just do what God says and to go out, get drunk, and get my ass arrested. Cuz I can say some shit and guarantee I get myself a job doing what I was clearly trained to do.
Which is get banned a lot, expressing myself, apparently. Which is too much for society. Guess I’ll get some red paint and mark some families’ front door, to ease their burden, as the Egyptians do. Hi Alex 3/3! Are you enjoying manipulating me here, too? Genuinely, are you Suma? Are you Izzy? THEY LIED TO ME TOO!
People followed me here to Lemmy World. Because I write my own stunts. Really, engage with me in this state, see what happens. Too afraid to really try Boo to make friends. That’s because Pi Day in the cult I was in. I came in a human being that day. I was allowed, because they engineered this shit AROUND my sexuality. The FBI did, I mean. Unless they really were the CIA. Nah, the feeb aren’t that competent. Retards in uniform, pretending to be Proud Boys or Muslim Extremists or huge, totally huge pedophiles on the internet.
But is THAT too much of a joke, taking the piss out of how God shit my life up? I can do nought but educate! I KNOW I am right, and wrong! Thus I’m right, as I know I have a Lord that forgives and punishes and so I am forgiven.
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When was the last time you took your Abilify?
I’m on 1mg/2mg Risperidone and 1000mg Deprakote. This is just how I am every day. Especially now, in these most fucky circumstances.
I’m so God damn pissed off. I gave the weed back because I do not want to deal with him EMBEDDING HIMSELF IN MY ROOM to taunt and provoke me while chanting, assaulting me in the process.
HE’S A MONK WITH A SCREW LOOSE! I CAN withstand him. I COULD fuck myself by letting him destroy my mood every single fucking moment of every single fucking day of a passive aggressive war of attrition that I have no recorse for EXCEPT violence, it feels at times, BECAUSE THE LIAR BROKE MY FUCKING LOCK WHEN I WAS OUT ONE DAY SO HE CAN JUST WALTZ IN MY ROOM AT WILL!
When the lock still worked, he stood outside my room for SEVEN HOURS, knocking and chanting nearly non-stop. He took breaks to smoke and eat and pee. 95% of those seven hours, he was outside my room, hounding me. His parents throw money at him to shut him up.
THAT’S WHERE HE LEARNED HE CAN GET WHATEVER HE WANTS BY RELENTLESS BULLSHIT! My dad sure fucked up, but I’m just a crazy, bipolar basketcase that cannot walk a straight line to any goal without God’s help. He’s either a narcissistic manipulator using me for supply or a really, really, really entitled motherfucker who cannot acknowledge his own faults because mommy n daddy issues.
I have zero capacity to determine the truth. But One Love, right? I felt the unconditional love for and from him that I have felt from God. Was that a lie? Did he trick my sense of love? Did he do this consciously. He SAYS he interned with the CIA, which has the most plausible evidence of all he says is odd and true, outside of Buddhist cosmology, obviously. But what is his intent?
Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Yea, he IS the kinda guy that would manipulate his friend into destroying his dad’s car fir his own benefit from the series of events he doesn’t profit from, given his insane vows; eg, never to handle money again, never to enter a place of for-profit business, never to use a cell phone, never to work unless impossible circumstances, never to talk with his mom again. Y’know, completely sane vows of a man who REALLY “gets it.”
He wants to walk 200 miles to a Buddhist monastary through the Sonoran Desert AND HE WILL NOT BREAK HIS VOWS. I think? I think this motherfucker may have hidden money or has the capacity to attain resources he lies about. So much stuff appeared in the apartment when I was in the hospital, ALSO when the washer/dryer magickally broke. $200 appeared one day, neatly stacked on the counter. Did Slenderman come to our door and deposit this from the window? No, I got three different bullshit explanations.
He controls my food supply by taking over the kitchen. There are times I’M NOT ALLOWED to eat because…I don’t even know. I just can’t go in the kitchen sometime. And I have to be vegan. He sabotaged my bread one time. I’m dependent on the food he DEMANDS or outright just buys himself on Amazon with my card, as I don’t know how to prepare it, and I can’t learn because he’s either in the kitchen or sleeping, and I’m not allowed to make food then.
This feels so much like the cult. Same gaslighting. Same control. Same being the one who has to do everything to make impossible circumstances work. And I’m wrong when I fail AND when I succeed. I’m wrong if I’m right about something. He taught me a lot. I’ve experienced this doppler effect with Vince before, approaching and surpassing him. I think he can’t handle that I acquired all his Knowledge but he does not seem capable of assimilating my Knowledge. Or is skillfully refusing to listen to make me feel inferior, as my traumas of being a highly neurodivergent child in a narcissistic, traumatizing household with NO therapy; communication error could mean life and death. And I’m always wrong. Always wrong. Always wrong.
He lied about having AIDS and a warrant to control me. This is the person that SAYS he loves me…whil simultaneously saying “beneficial” is the one word he would use to describe how he feels about our relationship.
