I have an idea for a post, some may have seen a comment of mine earlier. I’m looking for the most offensive-to-coffee-snobs approach to making coffee possible. I’m assuming something to do with instant, but from there, I don’t have many ideas.
Someone suggested reconstituting it in milk, that seems fun, any other ideas? I’m fully expecting the end result to be absolutely disgusting, for what it’s worth. I’m looking for the worst abomination possible, but it still needs to technically be coffee. Get creative, have fun with this. Whichever technique gets chosen (or multiple get combined), I’ll credit in the post I make.
Do it like a tequila slammer: drink a shot of water, lick instant coffee, bite into a creamer cup.
That’s hilarious, I love that idea.
We call that the poor man’s affogato
Microwave some store bought coldbrew. Only drink that style of coffee
I think the worst and most offensive coffee I ever drank was out of a vending machine which also served soup through the same nozzle.
To steal someone else’s reaction:
Nightmare fuel.
my theory was those machines just reused grounds over and over.
it’s hot, it’s brown.
I have fond memories of getting absolutely mournful coffee here
The original K pod, where you get Koffe, with a K.
Make a gallon of instant, store it in the fridge. When u want a cup, pour it and warm it in the microwave. You’re set for weeks!
My old room mate would put his carafe of coffee in the fridge and microwave it. I don’t understand why he doesn’t just get store brand energy drink powder at that point xD
That sounds like way more effort than just making instant normally when you need it.
For people with electric kettles, anyway.
I can’t find it now but I once read a (probably Reddit) post about an engineer who had access to extremely high pressure hydraulics, and force-extruded ultrafine coffee through a semipermeable membrane at something crazy like 100bar.
Edit: Oh you said anti-elitist. Nevermind, my bad.
I do actually have a use for some of that info in the post I have in mind, so thank you still for your comment.
But wouldn’t a semi-permeable membrane be way to restrictive? I mean, we use them for water filters cause they don’t really let things other than than water molecules through.
My husband used to microwave water and use that microwaved water to make instant coffee. I think mixing it then microwaving it is the only thing that could make it worse. Or instant coffee from the spoon.
Sounds terrible. Thank you!
i personally use hot tap water instead
Instant coffee, the cappuccino kind with disgusting powdered milk and caramel flavored.
… You just reminded me, I grew up drinking that stuff. I kinda wanna find some now.
Use warm water from the sink without letting it run first
Hose water
Decaf, preferably.
I like this one.
I drank that for a week once. All it took was being stuck in a village just on the Myanmar side of the Naga border with the road out washed away by early monsoon. And a healthy pour of brandy.
Another few weeks (and a colonial empire backing you) and you’d have perfected the new gin & tonic!
Caramel flavoured? Nah, use an actual caramel.
Turning the script. the most “elitest”
Buying an expensive esspresso machine only to never calibrate it and use pre-ground supermarket coffee.
Instant in warm water from the tap, without running the tap for it to get hot. That would take too much effort.
At least half these commenters apparently didn’t read my post right. I’m glad you did, that’s the type of thing I’m looking for. Thank you.
Include a microwave somewhere in the list of steps and reference it by saying, “nuke it”.
Yeah, I completely blitzed right past the lazy part and homed in on the offensive to coffee snobs part. Sorry.
Use whatever container is in close proximity, could be a water glass.
A mason jar might be funnier. Or maybe a Tupperware container.
Mason jars are almost fancy. What about a Folgers tub?
Perfect.
I’d drink it
Sick bastard.
buy pre-ground coffee. that’s guaranteed to be the worst.
thats so gourmet of you
I mean, it probably won’t taste as bad as instant but old stale pre-ground coffee from originally really nice beans gets points in the offensive category for sure.
honestly I’d rather have a decent instant coffee than use beans that have been sitting pre-ground for more than, like, a day!
That’s definitely a hot take, but respect for knowing what you like. I’ve definitely had pre-ground that was way better than any instant I’ve ever tried, but maybe I just haven’t had good instant yet.
I’ve heard (but can’t personally confirm) that it’s possible for instant coffee to be quite good.
and actually I take it back, I might not turn my nose up at pre-ground coffee over instant, like if I just want black coffee but the only instant coffee also has sugar and (dehydrated) cream.
tho who am I kidding, my sweet tooth would probably win out in that case…
I’ve heard of specialty roasters doing instant quite well, but I also can’t confirm if they’re any good or not.
Had a rowing Buddy that would make “death in Stalingrad”: standard coffee drip machine. Put in powdered coffee and fill with vodka. Both coffee and vodka as cheap as humanly possible. Let her rip and “enjoy”. Worst coffee experience I ever had. Like worse than having the shits and vomiting at the same time.
I feel like a much more efficient way of getting hammered with disgusting drinks would be to mix instant straight into vodka. The brew pot would evaporate a lot of ethanol anyway.
Very promising.
instant granules sprinkled on top of ice cream, call it an affigato. Bonus points for international roast.
For all the people mocking instant: it will never be a great cup of coffee, but some aren’t half bad. Also very easy and convenient when making coffee flavoured drinks or deserts etc…
I am definitely a coffee snob. I roast my own single origin green beans, manually grind to perfection and pour over/espresso with the best of them.
I do turkish coffee, mocha pot, and even my own chocolate covered coffee beans and a home distilled coffee liqueur. I still have a jar of instant coffee…
I think making bad coffee in a bad way is not offensive to coffee snobs. What would be offensive to coffee snob would be to get some extremely expensive boutique coffee beans and prepare them in a snob way where each step is wrong. Example:
- get single original, unwashed fermented with who knows what 80€/kg beans
- prepare them with a Chemex, using a recycled filter paper (if this ever exists)
- measures your beans in a measuring cup, 5 cups / L of water
- grind the beans with a blender (any grind size is fine)
- skip weting the filter, just put your grinded beans in the filter
- boil a tap water kettle to 100°C
- pour all the water at once until the filter is topped up (do not measure obviously)
- wait until it drains
- server and enjoy
You did way too many things correctly. Measuring at all, boiling the water, grinding freshly, etc.
If you grind the beans freshly you already cannot offend me anymore. You gotta grind them immediately after buying them and then let them sit for weeks or months before using them
My approach for this assignment is to do the things properly but fall short on the most essential points. Pre-grind coffee the day before is a good addition though.
Some supermarkets here have grinding machines so you can grind them before even buying them!
that is fine though. If you only have a cheap blade grinder at home, the ones in the supermarket are usually super high quality. Also the coffee is still somewhat freshly ground then.
I have heard that professionals or just people that are really into it can taste the difference after a couple of hours. Most other people can taste the difference after 24 hours. The coffee isn’t shit then, it just has noticeably less flavour and might taste a bit stale, as the coffee oils oxidize more quickly.
I am sorry … i know in which thread i am …
