Thought in my head about if you suspect someone of being poly and your interested them, is it worth asking?
This does relate to my previous post and I like the “just flirt” route since its got the best case for it
All the people I know who are openly/partially openly poly told me so basically right away, I’m a petite conventionally attractive woman who’s weird as fuck so I’m guessing that’s why
The username is kinda on the nose, I feel like being more subtle.
When you say it like that then she’s probably not poly since she never said she was
I’m very monog but most of my friends are poly. I have no problem asking people if they’re poly. I honestly usually assume people are by default since I can count monog couples in one hand.
I mostly just say that I’m poly when hitting on them. I’m married now so I mention that as well. They can respond as they wish
I guess I’m not sure what situation you could be in where you’re unsure to the point where asking is relevant. Either it’s obvious they are or it’s not and you’re asking.
From my point of view, best to ask early. But then, I’d want to tell someone anyway, if things were heading past light flirting.
I don’t know if a monogamous person might be offended by the question though (?)
Monogamous person here. I would not be offended if someone asked me if I was, or if someone else is. I think it’s kinda hot. It’s not something I’d want to be in long-term, but for a night? Shit, why not? That said, I’ve been married almost 20 years, and my wife and I aren’t looking for a third or a couple to play with. Maybe when we were both 20 years younger. Not now. That’s a younger person’s game (to my mind anyway). But offended? No way. You do you, boo.
You can also ask me if I’m gay or trans. I’m neither, but I won’t mind being asked as long as it’s respectfully. And I’ll answer in kind. I have been hit on by men. Not often, but it’s happened a few times. Always flattering, as long as they take no for an answer. They always have. I mean, it’s kinda dangerous for them if they don’t. Not from me. I just mean in general. And violence against LGBTQ+ has always been a factor, unfortunately. Still, I’m flattered they think I’m worth their time. But I don’t swing that way. I thank them for the compliment and wish them well. I think it’s the best you can do in the situation. And while best is the enemy of good, well, I try to be better.
If you don’t mind gay men hitting on you, you may not be representative of typical monogamists, lol
Also, not sure about a young person’s game … I’d love to have one or two more people in my life, and I’m 48. Can’t see that changing any time soon
I don’t get offended when anybody hits on me, but the answer’s gonna be no regardless of whether they got the same thing in their pants as my wife. I’m not into masculine body types and I’m not into cock. The person behind either/both does have feelings and there’s no sense in being rude because they shot their shot.
I understand that, but most AMAB men don’t behave / think like you do
Most people don’t think or behave like I do. That was hard to accept when I was a kid, and something I’ve spent years learning to deal with.
I’ve also been called an egg and I had to look up what that means. They were saying I’m trans and in the closet about it (as in, the egg hasn’t cracked/hatched yet). That came up because I play female characters in video games. It started with Fallout 3 because you get a perk for being female. Better vendor prices from men, and more damage dealt against male enemies (guess what most raiders are; also, I think monsters default to male). A lot of games had perks like that. Animal Crossing is largely made for girls, so something like 60-75% of the furniture, clothing, and other style choices are female-focused. So my villagers are girls. Yes, I realise this means I’m basically playing with dolls and building a dollhouse on an island with cute animals. I… don’t care. It’s a relaxing, chill game. Then you have games like Mass Effect and Cyberpunk 2077, where playing the male character seems like a handicap to the story or voice acting quality. I’ll play a guy if I have to (currently playing The Witcher 3). Anyway, I’m not trans, nor an “egg.” I’ve considered it. Asked myself “is there any merit to that argument?”. I cannot find one. I also kill people in video games, but I have no desire to kill anyone in real life. Sometimes a game is just a game, and role playing means you’re stepping out of your comfort zone and playing a role.
I can’t speak for other men/AMAB people. I can only speak for myself. I don’t mean to say others think like me or do like I do.
Uh huh
I’ve watched some people fall out of it over the years, but plenty of others fall in. And some who fall out really just needed a break and get back into it
Mmm, it’s probably psychologically good to have a break, to separate the drama of young poly relationships from the point where one is ready to approach it in a mature and caring way
Another straight monogamist here, hit on is hit on. As long as it’s not pushy I can tolerate some flirting from pretty much anybody, just realize it’s not going anywhere.
I don’t know if a monogamous person might be offended by the question though (?)
Being offended by an honest question about it in modern society… Unless there’s a strong religious aspect (where being poly is likely a big issue in general), probably a red flag in general. It indicates they are easily offended by relatively simple things, and if that offends them that much, what else do they have strong and potentially out of proportion opinions on?
Well, they get offended by some things that seem quite alien to me, so I don’t know what is or isn’t ok
Yes monogamous people would probably be offended. Think of it this way; to monogamous people, polyamory is functionally cheating, so you’re indirectly accusing them of being a cheater with your question. It’s not my fault, this is just the reality.
The solution is so extremely simple you’ll laugh. Instead of asking if they’re poly, ask people if they’re monogamous. Other monogamous people will be like, yeah of course aren’t you? Poly people will say no without being offended.
doesn’t hurt to ask. better be informed than taken by surprise
In my experience, they tend to tell you right away, if they see/feel interest - from both sides
IME they tell you even if you have no interest and the topic never came up.
Oh come on, I was flattered, don’t take this away from me ;-)
Yup.
And then in my experience, I go. “Oh. Dang”
I was a bit young and just fell silent, because they included it in their greeting, when I was a guest at their place
Yeah, she was pretty and I would have tried, if I would have had the confidence, but even with the invitation, I stepped back
Anyway I’m not really big on one night stands, I need to have some emotional connection. Else it just feels like wanking into a women.
But that’s me and others probably would have taken that invitation
I guess there is a gender aspect as well. One of my dude friends casually mentioned they were poly when talking about relationships. Nothing out of the ordinary, really. Just “oh, cool”.
This girl I knew who I was a bit on the fence about invited me on a date and showed up with two other guys. I don’t have a problem with one night stands, but I have literally no interest in sharing. Then she got real mad when I didn’t try to hook up with her then and there. I didn’t even realize it was a poly thing until later that night, I thought she intended a platonic hang and I was the crazy one that thought it was a date.
Not sure, I’m a dude and it was the guy of the couple mentioning it at a hello
But anyway, that was a really different situation than most people will get into - and I don’t want to explain that more
Edit: on second read, it seems we were in kinda the same situation ;-)
Pretty much like never having to ask if someone is vegan.
Oh yeah it’s okay, I’m poly and I don’t mind being asked as long as it’s done respectfully !
I would ask straight up, I feel like it would different if I was interested in them
If you need sexual and/or emotional exclusivity in a romantic relationship, do ask, unless you want to go through quarreling and drama later on.
I would think this would come up at some point. Usually all couples sorta get to the exclusivity question at some point. No one expects after one date the other person won’t see other people.
Yeah, ask.
