Coming to terms with the fact that I will never get what I most want.
What do you most want?
Intimacy, emotional and physical. I’m well into middle-age, and only ever had a handful of short-lived relationships. A few years ago, I learned about childhood emotional neglect, which was a revelation, and I’ve been working hard on the former. I also learned a few years ago that there’s a whole lot of sexual sensation that I didn’t know about before. I hesitate to go into details, because it makes many people very aggro, but I went to the urology clinic recently hoping that they could help, but the result was, “Seems healthy.” ¯\(ツ)/¯
Difficult stuff, thanks for sharing. It’s hard, being so dependent on others for such a fundamental need. Hope things work out for you!
“Life has a way of moving you past things like hopes and dreams”
Washing machine broke, again. So that’s absolutely always ticking in the back of my head.
In addition i got a new person to teach at work, absolutely nothing against her and it’s only for a week. But it does disrupt my standard routines during a time when something is already taking up my limited bandwidth and im not that social person so face to face social interaction is always draining.
In addition, because everything creates a chain reaction, due to lower social energy. I’m more withdrawn/distant/closed off which triggers my wifes anxiety and overthinking and she becomes very clingy
And all of that makes my movement disorder to flare up almost a month before treatment. That’s a self feeding loop already in of itself.
On a positive note. While I’m lifting, the movement disorder subsides completely and that motivates to train more and harder and thus numbers move up faster.
Luckily the replacement part came to storage box today and i can replace it tomorrow. Fingers crossed that it works. Technically it should work as the error code corresponded with this piece, but I’m always preparing for the worst.
Though i learned my lesson from it and im buying a backup washing machine. It’s most definitely easier to crarry replacement washing machine up from the basement than to deal with the stress of not having any and washing clothes by hand.
Oh, and my fucking favorite gym water bottle broke. It was a 3,8L(1gallon) aluminum canister.
All of that is layered over by the heatwave which is already draining enough without anything additional added to it.
Edit: just my bloody luck, it didn’t work. Switched out the sensor and still giving the same error. Fuck.
Still haven’t found the time to organize my new flat, the locksmith didn’t know anything about a lock change, my deposit account was never finalized, i only recently got access to the parking space I’m renting, the name plates have gone missing, the air con window insert i imagine is apparently too alien to imagine for diy specialists. I’ve cleared about 10 more things; a ceiling needed to be painted, the kitchen hotplate needed to be completely dis- and reassembled, the fridge was missing jnserts, some cabinets didn’t close.
It’s been 2.5 months since I’ve moved in. I’m exhausted.
But hey, I set up the surround sound and moved the media server to its definitive place, so one less loop. Still missing the projector, for which i have to calibrate the image before mounting it…
My partner is constantly suffering from major anxiety and it’s wearing me down.
CPTSD reactivity and fear driving me to push friends and loves away. I’m overwhelmingly preoccupied with being a terrible person because i just can’t be okay no matter how or what I do. Even tho everyone is telling me its normal and to be nice to myself I can’t. I’m losing friends over my reaction to being sexually abused and homeless and 5150ed and so much other hellishness since the start of 2025
I’m at inpatient trauma treatment for medical trauma and I had the most unprofessional blood draw of my life this morning. Everyone here is being so gracious and caring about it and I filed a formal complaint so I am feeling better but also very dysregulated and keep going back to freeze state.
Recently, I’ve been having suicidal thoughts characterized by self hatred and so on and so forth, but this morning, I woke up, and there was quiet inside of me. Tranquility. I put on my all linen attire and left for work. Work itself also started great. After working for an hour, I decided to take a stroll to the nearest supermarket to grab some breakfast, and there, in front of the store, sits (?) one of my former parolees, completely out of it. They had been having recurring alcohol related hardships but they seemed to be doing better after their last parole. Which of course made me hope that things are going to keep improving for them. To see them like this… It just broke my heart. Phew… If you guys know some mindfulness or CBT techniques with which to externalize feelings, please advise. 😅😢
*I’ll be fine, I’m just sad
A couple minutes of slow, deep breathing helps to lower stress levels. Something like box breathing (inhale 4s, hold 4s, exhale 4s, hold 4s) with eyes closed (or open, do as you like).
When it comes to negative intrusive thoughts, I learned to do this: Realize that the thought isn’t helpful and is only made up by the depressed mind, thus it isn’t worth to follow. Something like: “Wait, this doesn’t help me, it only makes things worse.” And try to let go of the negative thought.
It took years of meditation and CBT to arrive at this point and it doesn’t always work, but it got a lot better.
