Image of a screenshot of Twitter of a screenshot of Facebook.
The Facebook screenshot reads:
Fun fact about me: When I’m having a conversation with you, I will periodically bring up personal experiences from my own life, interspersed withing your own stories that you’re telling me. I’m not doing this to try and make the conversation about me, or to take away from your own experience. Actually, what I’m attempting to do, is to try and show you that I do, in fact, understand what you’re trying to tell me, and that I am giving your story my full attention.
It can really be off-putting to some people, so if I’ve ever done this to you during a conversation, I just wanted to make sure you know that I wasn’t trying to take over your story, I was just doing my best to connect with you in the moment.
The screenshot of Twitter reads:
This. I am fully aware that I do this. And I feel so guilty every time, but this. Understand this.
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This isn’t normal conversation?
ADHD person here living with a normie girlfriend and apparently it’s not. She gets so upset when I add my own personal anecdotes to the conversation, but when I sit there in silence she accuses me of not listening.
Guys I don’t know what to do.
Sounds like a her problem. This is how conversations work.
Show her this meme and explain that you’re doing it to show that you understand and emphasis with what she is saying.
Communication is key in a healthy relationship.
Communication is key in a healthy relationship
People always tell me this and honestly I’m tired of trying. She’s not the communication type, so my attempts go nowhere.
I’ve shown her similar memes in the past (especially ADHD memes) but she never understands them and I’m left frustrated. She still thinks the “odd” things I do are done simply to annoy her. I’m convinced that neurodivergence is just one of those things that you can never understand nor relate to unless you have it.
I don’t mean to be a downer here but… It sounds like she’s just not right for you. To me it sounds like you’ve made efforts to try to improve and she hasn’t. It takes two people working on a relationship to make it last.
While yes, communication is one key in a healthy and lasting relationship, the other key is mutual respect. Yes, you have to talk to each other, but just as important is having the respect to try and understand the other person’s side and find a mutually acceptable resolution. It sounds like she doesn’t respect you much, to me.
Granted, this isn’t my relationship, and I’m sure I’m only seeing one negative aspect instead of the full picture, so don’t take my words as definitive. But, I stand by this: if you don’t feel respected, the relationship either isn’t going to last, or it will and you will be miserable.
I’m convinced that neurodivergence is just one of those things that you can never understand nor relate to unless you have it.
Unless every person who works with significantly neurodivergent people who can’t live without assistance is also neurodivergent, I doubt this. And I doubt that they’re all neurodivergent. I also doubt it’s a hiring trait companies that provide such assistance consider.
And, of course, plenty of neurotypical parents have neurodivergent children and raise them to be successful adults in a loving home that accepts their quirks.
Dude, that’s not great. You just inherently think differently. She’s expecting you to do all the work for what reason? Because she’s used to not having to reach across to communicate and you are?
Neurodivergence is part of you. Neither of you can change that. It sounds like y’all need some serious sit down of “how do you think this all plays out”
You make it sound like the only alternative to telling your own story is to say nothing.
If you are actually interested in what she’s saying, ask a question about what she just told you.
Comment, nod, ask questions, laugh, exclaim - there are a ton of things you can say and do in a conversation other than interject with your own stories.
Talk to her and see what she would expect you to do?
I’ve tried several times but it is extremely difficult to get a straight answer out of her. The conversation is always one-sided. I’ll ask her how I can make her happy and get silence as a response.
She’s one of those people who doesn’t know what they want (but surely knows what she doesn’t want).
Oof, that’s rough. If it wasn’t going to bite you in the ass, I’d recommend she think on what she wants out of conversations. Or possibly more, given it sounds like she doesn’t know what she wants in general.
Adhd with an autistic wife, and yeah she’s cool with this. Idk how neurotypical people want us to act. I have learned not to interrupt special interest info dumps though
While it’s normal to do this (outside of obvious one-upmanship) I think what makes it autistic is the crushing awareness of the pattern and the realization of how wrong the reaction to such an innocuous thing can be if interpreted incorrectly. Some sort of paranoia of being misunderstood.
Well apparently I have this paranoia although I think evidence of prior conversations makes it entirely warranted :)
Uh-oh. This is Autistic?
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Yes. They’re called narcissists. This isn’t an autism thing. This is a human empathy thing.
Uh-oh. UH-oh. UH-OH!
rocking back and forth intensifies
I do this all the time, I see nothing wrong with it, this person expalained it, but I thought it was obvious 🤨… like, I would like someone to do the same while I’m talking about something, cuz that shows interest and that that person can relate to my problem(s).
On the other hand, if people are like “yeah, yeah, I get it… mhm, yeah, you’re right… mhm… mhm…” I just stop talking, it’s obvious they’re not interested in the subject I’m talking about… well, at least that’s my reasoning.
Isn’t this just normal behaviour? There is nothing wrong in this, to my understanding.
There are degrees. If someone’s sharing about their recent stillborn child, it’s probably best not to bring up that one time I was 6 and my cat died and I can really, really sympathize. Anyone who worries about this is probably that person and could spend more time asking questions and less time, “relating”.
Many find the interrupting part to be disrespectful and rude, but it really isn’t.
I’ll often consciously play a game where I try to get my conversational partner to ‘open up’, telling me more personal information than a person would normally tell. Meanwhile, I keep my revelations to a minimum, keeping the ratio as high as I can. I’ve had people cry and hug me, all while knowing nothing about me. I do like helping people and comforting them though.
Probably sociopathic behavior now that I think about it. Forget I mentioned it.
I respect this. I fix computers for a living and people tell you a surprising amount about their lives if you just nod and agree with platitudes like “Oh yeah, I definitely get it.” and “That’s fair enough”
Hahaha, as a nurse, I think you should become a nurse. This is a clinical skill we are taught called “therapeutic use of self.”
I will selectively tell stories from my own personal background explicitly for the sake of drawing more information out of a patient, letting them know they’re not alone I’ve been through something similar, or sometimes just a funny anecdote to distract them from something uncomfortable.
But it’s never about something I’m particularly interested in talking about. It’s only because it’s relevant to the patient’s current situation and I feel like it might help them in some way. Because, after all, love y’all and everything, but I’m at work here, not trying to socialize with ya.
And yes…it sometimes feels a little sociopathic lol
It’s been mentioned below that you’re unknowingly employing a therapeutic skill as a coping mechanism, but it bears mentioning that you absolutely could and should consider with a professional why it arose. Neurodivergence or personality disorders do lend themselves to developing these kind of coping strategies. It might be worth seeing someone to discover if new self-understanding and control are just around the corner.
Apparently I do this subconsciously. I’ve literally had thousands of people tell me that, “You’re so easy to talk to,” or “I wouldn’t tell anyone else this, but you make me feel safe.”
I’ve yet to figure out how to actually use this autistic power for good.
This sounds like a kind of, admittedly wicked, talent. Wanna share how you would go about it?
(Edit: ok I think you got what I did there, judging from the fact that you deleted the reply)
Honestly just showing genuine interest in a person is often enough.
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If you don’t try to verbally relate to the other person’s experience isn’t more of a lecture than a conversation?
All people want to do is lecture you and have you tell them they are right
Wait. Is that not normal? I do exactly this all the time.
It can be seen as rude because you’re interrupting someone’s story.
My coworker does this neat trick where she interrupts with, “Oh I have a story too but I’ll tell it later. Remind me!”
And I always liked how she does that.
It’s physically painful to try to keep the story in.
I find that neurotypical people feel like you’re trying to compete with them for how bad your life is. They want to have it worse than you so they can get more sympathy. By making them feel like their struggles are not exceptional, you make them feel somehow less special. I never really understood that, but I guess a lot of people just can’t stand to lose, even if it’s a race to the bottom.
This is nothing about winning or losing or not feeling special. It’s not always rude to bring the conversation back to you, but often when someone is telling a story it’s respectful to keep the conversation about their story until they’re done. Then they will extend you that curtesy. But the conversation didn’t start with your story or interjection, it only popped into your head because someone else is talking. Next time, you can start the conversation about your story and the listener will let you finish.
I think sometimes it’s about winning. I knew this one guy who just ALWAYS did it better, or had it worse. If he asked how you were doing and you said “Great! I just beat a tough level on Candy Crush!” He’d say (and I’ll add that he didn’t have an aggressive tone at all, he was always friendly) “Oh that’s great! I used to play that game a lot. Haven’t touched it since I beat ALL the levels, though”
And even if you immediately followed that up with, “but, I just got news that my grandma isn’t doing well.” He’d be like, “Oh man, that’s hard to hear, one of my grandma’s has Alzheimer’s, and the other has terminal cancer all over her body. Could get the call any day.”
And even though he was always friendly I walked away from every conversation feeling like I didn’t matter at all.
Jesus, Megan – we get it – this happens to YOU too. How about letting Vicky finish her story
I do it because I have nothing else to say and I’m trying to keep the convo going.
If you really have nothing to say, just ask for a bit more detail on something they said.
Just for the things that sound important to the other person, you can always ask things like “and what happened next?” “But why” or similar. Just a few questions that are open ended, so the storyteller is free to go into as much detail as they desire.
Why so many times i read adhd and now autism memes i can relate to them.
A lot of them are typical experiences that are just much more intense or frequent among ASD/ADHD. So while everyone pees, if you’re peeing 100 times per day, then it becomes indicative of a larger issue.
Idk about other instances, but almost anyone I had a long conversation with seems to do this…
Because it’s completely normal to share personal experiences during conversations with people you are familiar with. In fact, in my opinion, the weird part would be calling someone out for bringing up a conversationally relevant anecdote.
the weird part would be calling someone out for bringing up a conversationally relevant anecdote.
I think where the autism comes in is that many times we’ll 2nd guess ourselves when this happens and take on the blame, when really, the other person is instigating the problem by being insulted, then blaming the person trying to relate.
I’ve gotten better results if my interjected story is funny.
interspersed withing your own stories that you’re telling me.
This is what I don’t get. The neurotypical person is the one telling personal stories, but then we’re the bad people when we…tell personal stories.
I just see the same behaviors in everyone all the time and wonder what exactly is making the difference between neurotypical and neurodiverse. Besides an undue stigma from neurotypicals against people who don’t fit absolutely perfectly into social norms for whatever arbitrary reasons.
I think the expectation is that you ask questions about their story as opposed to telling your own as it shows interest directly and lets them continue to be the focus of the interaction. If someone came up to you and started a story about their weekend, it seems to be expected that instead of saying “mine too I did xyz” (if that happens to be similar) we’re supposed to ask about their weekend in more detail so they can keep talking about their story.
Sucks because the way I relate is exactly how OPs image puts it lol I’m showing I can relate by saying I’ve been through a similar thing, but that’s harder for people to realize I guess and it takes the focus away from the person talking.
At the same time, advice I’ve heard is to not “turn every social interaction into an interrogation”. People have told me that I ask too many questions and should talk about myself more. So to me the expectation seems to be striking a balance. Sigh.
This is a non autistic neurotypical thing to do too. If you get someone who is bitching at you saying an occasional 5 second aside showing that you relate to what they’re saying, they’re just an asshole, and they’re in the wrong.
I mean if you’re doing every other sentence, then yeah, that’s a bit much. But now and then is expected and someone who wants a half hour of center stage quiet from the audience should find a stage and a brick wall
This is what I don’t get.
I think reading this book can help you understand a lot of the neurotypical world.
Ultimately, what I found is that I know I’m doing my best, mean well, and care about others. If certain people don’t see that or even attack me instead, I just excuse them from my life. It’s not my job to control what other’s think of me. It’s my job to control what I think of me, behave in a way that fits my values, and place myself in settings that make me happy.
Omg I want to print this out and staple it to my chest. I’ve been accused so many times of being a ‘one-upper’ when I’m just doing my best to relate to people.
I also need a label like sandpaper has – I’m like 60 grit abrasive.
Oh god, I’m doing it again, aren’t I?
I’ve been accused so many times of being a ‘one-upper’ when I’m just doing my best to relate to people.
Yes!! I’ve noticed that this happens mostly with people that are insecure. If someone relates to me by sharing an experience that is more intense than mine, then I want to hear about it because it sounds interesting and could really help put mine in perspective. However, an insecure person would not because they think that your experience means you are “better” than them on the undisclosed hierarchy. Since accepting that they are “less” than you is too threatening to their sense of self-worth (remember, they are so insecure that sharing a personal unemotional experience causes them distress), they attack you because you are “making them feel bad.” It’s really insecurity and projection.
Personally, I find that this whole phenomenon is a highly ingrained mess that is too hard to unpack, and I end up feeling bad about myself in the end. So, I believe it’s best to just maintain some distance from individuals like this. It’s too exhausting having to constantly protect their self-worth from their own decision to perceive attempts at bonding as attacks. No one is at fault or anything. It’s just not a good fit.
I saw this on Lemmy and it’s so weirdly relatable
omg I also saw this on lemmy! I really related to it
Image of a screenshot of Lemmy of a screenshot of Twitter of a screenshot of Facebook…
